It is said that anger, joy, and fear are some of the most powerful human emotions.
I have been thinking about these emotions for some time, and it has become clear that anger has been what has fueled me since I was a child.
Whether it was not having all that I wanted and going to work at age 12,
Or when I moved to a new school and town for 10th-12th grade and did not know anyone, a new place, and new people, and I had to assimilate to that.
Or, while in high school, never being quite good enough.
When it came to baseball, I wasn’t tall enough or fast enough.
“You don’t have enough power to play with these guys,” the coach would tell me. “You’re not as talented as the rest. You have the heart, Jeremy, but just not the skill.”
Anger fueled all my responses.
So, I would simply go and outwork you.
Not fast enough? Ok, I’ll put a parachute on my back and run until I am.
Not strong enough? Ok, I’ll be in the gym longer and work out harder.
Not as natural of a hitter? That’s fine. I’ll spend time in the batting cage until my hands bleed so that I can become a better hitter.
Not all of this is positive, of course.
Anger only takes you so far – it fuels you until it feeds on you.
At some point, to reach your full potential, you must let it go. Forgive. Move on.
And that can be the hardest thing to do.
When I started my career, I failed the insurance exam two times.
“Kid, if you fail the exam again, I’ll have to fire you,” Bob said.
“I’ve never hired anyone this young before, so don’t screw it up,” Shawn said.
Even my ex-brother-in-law called me an antisemitic name, fueling my anger.
I felt like I was never as good or even equal to everyone around me.
I even remember my father walking out and leaving my sister and me at age 3.
With all of these experiences, I fought back with anger.
Why?
Even at a young age, I chose the anger protocol. It has fueled me and empowered me to get me where I am now. Anger has been my protector.
But now, it is eating me alive, and I must move on. Look, none of us are who we were 20 or 30 years ago. So, why focus on that which does not serve who we are today?
Because it’s what we know, it’s so much more comfortable than trying a different way. It’s an engrained, automatic response.
I remember years ago while speaking to my therapist about my grandfather (who was still alive at the time and 90). I said, “He never liked me and never really understood me. He was a lawyer and valued higher education. I went to City College and was never much of a student.”
“He never really respected that – or me,” I continued. “Even though I had been on my own since I was 17. That’s ok, though. He is old is who he is. He isn’t going to change.”
Just as I finished that statement, my therapist jumped on those words and said, “That’s bullshit! If it’s important enough and he values you and his relationship with you, he will change. And if he doesn’t, that’s ok too. It is not about you. That’s about him.”
Of course, my grandfather never did change. But I have and will continue to change and to do my best.
I’ll never be perfect, but always trying to improve and get past the anger, to get past the past.
I’m dedicated to moving on to embrace the opposite of anger – joy and gratitude for all that is good and wonderful in my life.
And I’m finding there’s a whole lot to be grateful for!
-J.D.